>> 19 May 2015
I'm starting to understand the Fulbright-Clinton Fellowship alums that I met at orientation last year. They had this mostly collected, somewhat jaded, slightly condescending, generally fuck-all exterior, but it was doing a poor job of masking the shell-shock and personal existential chaos boiling underneath. At the time, I thought, "That seems about normal for someone who has been living abroad and coming back to the US to an uncertain future. Let them have their anxiety, Melody."
Now, I'm like OMG EVERYTHING IS EMERGENCIES HOW DID THEY DO IT
I have to be back in Honolulu by August 10th but I just volunteered to do something in DC in late July (no guarantees) and I'm not really sure when my contract here ends. I don't have anywhere to live once I leave. I have no idea where to ship my stuff, or if I even can from Dili without breaking the bank. I don't have a clue when or where I'm going to see my boyfriend again, or if it'll even be this year (nota bene: it is only MAY). It's all starting to feel too familiar and the uncertainty is just crushing.
I just have so much to do over the next two months and I have absolutely zero solid plans for the next 6-12 months. I have a week-long writing workshop and a 5-session orientation to prep for in Dili in July. There is research to be done, interviews to schedule, and surveys to collect. There are papers to write and funding to apply for and conferences to consider. The list of 'stuff to do when I get back to Honolulu' is getting hilariously long. My hair is turning grey and I feel like I've aged more in the last 8 months than I have in the last 8 years. Incidentally, I graduated college on this day 8 years ago. Oof.