Overwhelmed, but ok.

>> 18 July 2014

I had a lot of realizations in 2012. I realized that I cared deeply about what was happening to the languages in East Timor. I realized that I needed to learn more about the development of curriculum, educational policies, language policies and the intersection of all these things. I realized that I had married someone that I was not in love with, and my choices in life were pulling me even further from finding that love. I realized that I needed to start seeing a therapist to deal with what was becoming a critical inability to deal with my anxiety.


Fast forward to today. I see my therapist when I reach the point that turning on the coffee maker before schedule gives me a panic attack, and I'm not the least bit ashamed. I'm divorced, and it only bothers me sometimes.  I have worked to learn everything I can about what is happening in East Timor, and what it means for the future of that country and others. And I'm temporarily leaving my PhD program to go work in the Ministry of Education in Timor-Leste, collect data for my dissertation, and continue being present in my life.

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Am I an expat in training?

>> 05 December 2013

The other night I got an overwhelming wave of wanderlust, and wanted to go somewhere- anywhere. I consoled myself by remembering that I was *just* in Thailand last month and that I'm about to spend a glorious three weeks in the Promised Land (Texas). The next morning I realized it wasn't a travel itch, it's that I'm ready to go back to Timor. There's something about that country that draws me back almost as soon as I've left. When I'm in the US I feel like I left something really important behind and I need to go back and figure out what it was. I read Timor blogs about *everything*, even things that I don't particularly care about. I have google alerts set for all things Timor and language. I read about Timor all the time, I think about Timor all the time, and all I want to do is get back there and work. On my first trip, I thought expats that I met in Dili were nuts and I largely ignored them. On my second trip, *they* embraced *me* and while I loved living with my Timorese family, I was very grateful. I think they recognized me as a future member of their weird club.... we'll see!

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>> 28 November 2013

I feel like a very different, much younger version of myself this week. I'm home alone, doing homework on the night before Thanksgiving (and the start of a 4 day weekend woo), singing quietly to myself and wishing my boyfriend would call me. I spent 12 weeks away from him this summer and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Every serious relationship I've ever had has been characterized by long stretches of physical separation for one reason or another, and I am just not cut out for it. There's another potential long-term separation coming up next year (10 months... oh my lord) and the thought makes me shallow-breathed and weary. Here's hoping that the boyfriend can just come WITH ME. There's a thought.

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